I'm on a mission...

I'm on a mission... to get back to who I am.

There's something within me that truly desires to get into the practice of writing, to read more and to take more pictures. 

I always loved writing, blogging, journaling, taking notes, typing but for some reason, I feel like I've gotten away from it. 

I truly think my urge to write and jot things down has been eclipsed by my desire to make it perfect... to have a carefully curated social media presence.  I'm sure I'm not the only person who looks at their social media platforms and thinks... I wish this looked prettier, I wish this looked like theirs, I wish this looked more professional, I wish, I wish, I wish. But in an effort to try and craft the look I wanted on my Instagram, blog and youtube channel I lost the joy, I lost the drive, I lost the passion to create. 

But I can feel it whelming up within me... the desire to get back to my roots. The desire to get back to the things I loved and lost. As far back as I can remember there were three things I loved doing: 1. Journaling, 2. Reading, and 3. Photography. And for some reason, I feel like I've lost these integral parts of myself. 

When I was a child, I remember always having a journal and I remember perpetually scribbling my thoughts on the page - starting book after book. Often feeling like there were so many words in my head that if I didn't get them out on the page I'd just explode. I wanted to be a writer - to find something meaningful to write about and let the words spill from my mind onto the page. It's as if I could feel a force vibrating through my arm and into my fingers willing myself to pick up the pen or to grab my computer and write. Where did that go?

When I was a teen I loved reading. I spent hours in the library surrounded by my favourite things - books. I always carried a book or two inside my bag. I remember stealing away moments to open a book and dive into a world, unlike my own. I remember staying up late reading into the wee hours of the morning until my dad would come and knock on my door and tell me "I think, it's time to go to bed," and I'd plead with him to just finish one more chapter. I ferociously devoured books back then, often finishing whole series (ex. Harry Potter) in a manner of days. 

The only thing that could pull me away from the words on the page was my camera. Always at the ready, I love photographing the world around me. From little insignificant blades of grass to a million photographs of clouds... it was all inspiring. I took thousands of photos - all the time. 

Where did that go? Why is it that I stare at a blank piece of paper (or now a blank word document on my screen) and I have nothing? Why is it that I stare at the pile of books on my bedside table that I've collected thinking "one day I'll read that" but all I can think of is "I don't have time"? Why is it that I look at my DSLR camera and don't willingly pick it up looking for something to capture? 

Perhaps it's the urge for perfection, perhaps it's the fact that we all change and our interests change, perhaps it's time and the business of life... perhaps. 

I'm not sure. 

But I do know that I want to change that. I want to write more... read more... photograph more. I want to get back to the core of who I am and the things I'm passionate about. I want to dust off the DSLR, crack open the spine of a novel, and feel the ideas spilling from my mind onto the page again. I think each of these things is like a muscle and I've gotten weak. It's going to take practice and patience and perseverance to strengthen that muscle. 

So I'm on a mission... to get back to the core of who I am.

So I have three goals for 2018... I'm not sure if I'll be successful every day or even every week but I'm sure as hell going to try.  These are not small feats... but here goes. I believe in the power of writing things down and definitely in the power of having others to keep you accountable... so, I'm going to write them down. 

This year I want to write more, read more and photograph more. How am I going to actually accomplish that?

1. Write more... I am going to blog, every single day. I'm going to attempt to write something, every day, even if it's little, even if it's random, even if it's just how I'm feeling. I truly think if I can get back into the habit of writing it will get easier - or at least I hope. And while every part of me desires to come up with a schedule so that I know what to write...I know myself and I know that I do better with the freedom of possibility. So, I will write. 

2.  Read more... I am going to read, every single day. I am going to carry a book in my bag at all times - or perhaps my kindle. And I am going to try and steal moments to read... instead of working through my lunch break I'm going to try and read. Instead of Facebooking while I wait in lines, I'm going to try and read. Instead of watching TV to pass the time, I'm going to try and read. I have this goal to read 25 books in 2018. To be honest that doesn't even sound like that many... considering I use to read about 5 or 6 books a month... but I'm going to start small. What will I read? Who knows. I will see where the books lead me and leave it open to discover. So, I will read. 

3. Photograph more... I am going to take photos, every single day. Of what? I'm not sure. But I am going to take more photos... I'm going to find something every single day to take a photo of. And I am going to attempt to post those photos on my Instagram every day. I am going to release the urge to have a carefully curated Instagram feed and just take photos and post those photos. Some days I imagine I'll take a hundred photos and sometimes it will be a struggle to take one - but I am going to try and push myself outside of my comfort zone. So, I will photograph. 

Yep. Every. Single. Day. Perhaps that's setting myself up for failure... can I really write, read and photograph every single day - I'm not sure. But if I don't try - how will I ever know. If I don't push myself - how will I ever grow. So I will try and I will push myself and I will forgive myself (or at least try) when I fail... which I probably will. 

So here goes nothing...